Laughing Until I Cry

What is it about me being sick (coughing, hacking, wheezing sick) that makes my employees want to stop by my bedroom door to tell me they are giving notice? Do they feel safer doing so when I’m in a weakened state? Do they think if I were well I might lock them in a room until they agree to stay on? Full disclosure: The thought has occurred to me.

This phenomenon has happened twice now. Not the giving notice, that’s happened too many times to count, at least while I’m on Vicodin based cough syrup. It’s having it happen when I’m especially sick and short of air, energy and patience. Each time I think, oh great, just kill me now. Of course, I say, “I understand. Thanks for letting me know sooner than later. Hack, hack.”

I hate, hate and despise interviewing people. I really hate training people. I want God to drop attendants into my house like manna where they will instantly and seamlessly become part of Nani’s team. I think it’s the least He could do.

There are great people out there that serve as helpers and companions of people with disabilities. Nani and I have been fortunate to have some of those people spend a season in our life. Sweet Karla, Kris and Kerry will forever be our heroes, but alas, there are others more in the not ready for prime time category. Part of my dread is knowing it’s likely I will encounter some of the flaky ones, and some time will have to pass before I will see the humor in the situation. I’m impatient when it comes to seeing the humor in things.

Here’s a few of the hall of famers among employees and interviewees.

•  The woman who would have someone else call in to tell me that V wouldn’t be coming, she’d had a “situation”. We now use that phrase often, it’s just so handy. “Girl, did you have a situation??” or “Oh my, I feel a “situation” coming on.” Feel free to use it yourself.
• The no-show queen who called a few days later to say she’d have been there, but she’d been in the State Hospital with a panic attack, however she was fine now and could certainly work next week-end. I was not to worry because this didn’t happen very often. What a dilemma for me? Should I leave Nani with her or not? I went with NOT.
• The potential employee, who even though she was told I’d be running a criminal background check before I could offer her the job, didn’t think it necessary to mention the warrant out for her arrest. She said she knew I would see it, but could explain it. I told her not to bother.
• There was R who quit without notice because she said the prior week Nani had broken her collar bone. She had worked 4 days since the alleged injury with seemingly no problems. I expressed my concern for her pain and asked her if this had been confirmed by an X-ray.  She explained her doctor said it wasn’t necessary because he understood she knew her body so well that if she thought it was broken, it was indeed broken. Wonder what the diagnostic code is for hysterical collar bone fracture.
• The potential employee who could not give me references, except for a thank you note supposedly written by Charles E Butt, the grocery story mogul. Her only work history was having started a catering business on Martha’s Vineyard and landing the Kennedy wedding as her very first job! Wow, that Kennedy clan is so nice to give a newbie a chance like that on their big event. Unfortunately, there are no pictures because after the celebration was cancelled due to the plane crash, she had taken the food and distributed it to the homeless on the beach in Martha’s Vineyard.  The things you learn during interviews. I didn’t know Martha’s Vineyard had a homeless population.

Now that I think about it, I don’t know why I don’t enjoy this process more. I think this time around I’m going to sip on a Whiskey Revival while finding the perfect person. Surely, that will make it less painful and it might help with this cough.